The feeling my mood who I become. It still scares me all of the time. The way my mood has the ability to just drastically change I have to say I do feel that it is more under control now since I went and received help. The change is still there though; there will be the times when I feel myself full of so much energy I find myself so awake and so, hyper for example the other day I found myself searching on you tube and at one point I was on the floor rolling around laughing just at random videos. The video was nothing much but somehow I just could not stop no matter what I did. However, there is still that part of me that feels that none of this laughter is real that I create it as just a defence mechanism, hiding myself away from the pain of the fall.
But, regardless of this it still comes, and it is at these points that it scares me so much, I free fall so quickly, quicker that I can comprehend with. Before I realise it all of a sudden, I have gone from the highest peak of the tallest tower to the deepest darkest corner of the world and my whole world changes as if I have become a completely new person it hurts. It is so hard to describe it the feeling the darkness, the emptiness, it is just there, constantly, encompassing everything and all I want to do is be alone no people no life no responsibilities just me in my head paralysed so to speak, unable to function.
Then it is gone. It could be hours, days, weeks, I never know but it is as if I have been hit by the biggest jolt of electricity and all of a sudden I’m someone else and the cycle starts again.
Thank you reading and letting me express my thoughts and feeling to you